Your Life is What you Pay Attention to

"What do I really want? What will make me happy? There's got to be more than this."

A lot of people start by considering these musings along the lines of "financial stability/ wealth, more friends, higher status, more recognition for existing accomplishments..."

Alongside that, many people spend time focusing on what they don't have. In fact I'd go so far as to say everyone does that in some form, sometimes.

If you notice that about yourself, you might also notice than in bringing a bunch of your attention to what you don't have compared with others, you come to feel deficient or 'not enough'. You find yourself looking at other people and what they have, and comparing this with what you can only dream of. And then one or both of two things happens.

First, this comparison with others who have 'more' of what you want compounds your sense of not having enough or not being enough. Second, this comparison leaves you feeling resentful and prone to being highly critical of others who you perceive as having more than you. A quick sidenote, you can take it from me that the most common experience in therapy and in performance coaching is a client feeling they're the 'only one' who experiences this phenomenon, or one of a minority.

No one is a cardboard cutout and, ironically, most people have their own version of this same experience of not 'being enough'. It's just some people pay attention to it more than others. But given it is impossible to control our thoughts, how do we join the ranks of those who do a better job of not letting these thoughts take them down rabbit hole no. 1 (self criticism and potential self sabotage) or rabbit hole no. 2 (resentment and potential relationship-damaging behaviour)?

One of the hardest things for anyone to do, and one of the most valuable, is to intentionally guide your attention to things you have positive influence over. Notice I don't say control, but rather influence. This is a 'biohack' of sorts, allowing your body and mind to recalibrate and 'unhook' from the destructive thoughts on loop.. what you focus on can be as simple (yet powerful) as focusing on your breath and doing a controlled breathing exercise, or it might be intentionally taking time to do something you're good at, like making a colleague laugh, sending someone a note of gratitude that you're genuine about but might feel forced all the same; it could even be boiling the perfect egg.

When your mind wanders to those destructive thoughts that were bringing you down, thank your mind for doing its best to help keep you safe or maybe motivate you to do what needs to be done for you to 'improve', and remind yourself that the best thing you can do is allow the thoughts to be there but guide your attention to other things in your world that are under your positive influence. You can think of those challenging thoughts a bit like having the television on in the background; I'm not suggesting you turn the television off (as that's impossible); just that you direct your attention to other things in your environment.

OK, so this is absolutely not about sitting back and 'settling' for everything about your life right now including the bits you want to change. This is about recognising that we humans are better equipped to strive and to make positive changes when we experience the feeling of having influence over our own life - in other words, we do better when we have a higher sense of 'self-efficacy'.

We are better at being proactive when we're not down on ourselves - getting down on ourselves tends to lead to avoidant or aggressive (including passive aggressive) behaviour and a drive to try to 'control' things - control others, our environment, even our thoughts. Remember Niebuhr's so-called 'serenity prayer'?

This prayer taps into issues around control and acceptance. Control is in most cases an illusion. Think of what is within your control, your field of influence, and those things you can't control or substantially influence.

Again, this is not about accepting things that aren't working - either in ourselves or in the broader world. In recognising things that fit within these categories of control and influence (and acceptance), we can begin to move forward from the present moment, rather than being stuck in a loop, wishing for an alternative present that does not exist.

A sure-fire clue you're hankering after an alternative present, and spending a heap of attention on things that don't serve you in genuinely moving forward, is if you're using the word "should" a lot. I should be x by now, or Alex should have done y, or the world should be ...

You know you could be right, all of things are true for you. But they're not serving you or helping you move forward. Rather, notice these "shoulds". Journal about them and learn from them what they tell you about the reality that is and the reality you would like to grow towards. Then, intentionally turn your attention to those more positive things you can influence, so that you can cultivate the mindset needed to actually make the changes you wish to see in your own life and in the world.

Greta Bradman, 2021