.png)
Values are an extraordinary and under-utilised resource in our lives. And not just the great ones - the ones you might think of when you think of 'core values'. A spoiler alert upfront. You have TWO sets of values. I write about these at some length in my book, What Matters to You.
One set comes to the fore when your basic needs are met - your "thriving" (or 'core') values. The other set comes to the fore when your basic needs around security and safety are not met and you're feeling under threat - your "surviving" (or 'threat-based') values.
All of these values can help us understand each other, ourselves, and how we interact and interpret the world around us. They can help and hinder us and greater insight into your values - of every variety - can help dislodge the thought that you're like an 'apple' with a 'core'. You're not good, you're not bad, you're human and the values that are activated in a given situation are explained by the situation, as well as your past experiences, current needs, and future aspirations.
In this post, I share with you some of what I've learnt in psychology practice working with clients (individuals and organisations) around values.
One key learning is that for the sake of feeling fulfilled longer-term, you want to rely on 'thriving' values to guide your actions. 'Surviving' values (where you prioritise your own safety or security) will take centre stage when you feel under threat.
This is because they come to centre stage when your needs are not met (for instance, around safety and security to do with finances, health, the security of where you and your family live). Don't try to push surviving values away; rather, notice them, thank your mind for trying to keep you safe (after all, that's why it's activating surviving values!), and intentionally ask yourself "which of my core [thriving] values should I prioritise here? How would I action them? I feel under threat but I'm still going to act in line with my thriving values, no matter how much my surviving values are trying to convince me to act in other ways".
OK! Let's rewind and get to the longer version. I'm aware this is quite a bit to digest.. At this point, the main things I want you to keep in mind are these:
You have two sets of values, not one. Based on your current needs, and whether you feel under threat, you’re likely to prioritise one type or the other (thriving or surviving)
It is helpful to be aware of all of your values, and not try to push any away; but!
Commit to actioning your thriving values, not your surviving values (unless you really, really are under imminent threat!).
Notice and accept your surviving values as normal, natural, and to be expected. Notice them and then intentionally guide your attention towards your thriving values.
Use mindfulness meditation and breathing exercises to help reduce physiological arousal associated with being under threat, to make it easier to incline towards your thriving values.
Use these insights in order to be more compassionate and understanding about your thoughts, feelings, and actions from this day forward.
If you’re into values, and the idea that they represent a “North Star” that can help your life feel more personally resonant and meaningful, have you stopped to ask; "why?” What is it about living more in line with values that are really important to us, that can leave us feeling better about how we’ve lived? Or indeed how we’re living? Shalom Schwartz, the world’s leading human values researcher (and others too for that matter) have demonstrated that when our core value are activated, we experience an emotional response. For behaviour that is in line with our core values, we experience pleasure, fulfilment, a sense of ‘rightness’, and other positive emotions. For behaviour that is counter (out of line) with our core values, we experience confusion, frustration, even anger and disgust.
How do we make sense of times when we have seemingly acted totally out of line with what we would like to believe are our core values? How do we make sense of that? Are values-incongruent behaviours evidence that in fact the values we most treasure are just aspirational and don’t in fact represent our “true self”?
When I was a little girl through young adult, I thought of the human psyche a little like an apple. That there was a core in there and that our worst behaviour reflected that core - imagine that, walking around thinking that your worst behaviour in fact reflected your “true self”?! As a psychologist, sitting in a room opposite courageous souls who open themselves up in that space, I have come to recognise I was not alone in this worldview of human nature. And I’m here now to say “no! Your darkest actions do not reflect your truest self, and values-incongruent actions do not mean that your core values are merely ‘lip service’ to something you’d like to believe for yourself!” Further, I suggest that research into core values can help us reconcile our self-serving actions. And there are ways we can reconnect with our highest values, even on the darkest of days. After all, your life starts now, because the present moment is all we have.
An aspect of values research that doesn’t make it out of the academic journals (though it should and it will!) is that we don’t just have one set of values! Yes, that’s right. You have two sets of values. There is the outward-looking set that we typically think of as our core values or those values that are most important to us. Our core values tend to involve deeply thinking of others, from family to our community, from contribution to achievement in the world - they tend to involve some aspect of growth - for the self and for the world - and a willingness to consider change and development. Another values researcher, Valdiney V. Gouveia, describes this values set as experienced when under “thriving” conditions. Schwartz describes this values set as coming to the fore when we are in a relatively “anxiety-free” state.
And then there is a second set of values, where security, safety, and power are prioritised. These tend to come to the fore when emotionally we’re feeling under threat - as Gouveia puts it, when we’re in a state of “surviving”. From this perspective, depending on our needs at the time - “surviving” versus “thriving” - one or other of the values sets is likely to dominate.
My guess is, if you’re reading this and thinking “I think I might be super selfish because on occasion I have really prioritised myself over my core values”, at the time when you were being self-serving you were feeling under threat. This, in turn, activated your ‘surviving’ values.
My suggestion from here is this. Take some time to detail what your top three ‘surviving’ values are, given your past behaviours. Insight into what these are will help you identify them better when they are in play.
Now, think about the circumstances when they tend to come to the fore. Where are you? What are you doing? Who else is there? What is your ‘inner dialogue’ telling you? How are you feeling under threat? And now, in this safe space, while you’re not in any of those situations, ask yourself - what are some of the core values that you would like to focus on bringing to that moment? Don’t worry about how, just think about what they are and why they’re relevant. How do these reflect the ‘you’ you want to grow into more and more as life continues?
From here, it is time to start thinking about a plan. For starters, helping your autonomic nervous system switch from a state of “fight and flight” to “rest and digest” is really important in situations where you know you may feel under threat and your surviving values are likely to come to the fore. Controlled breathing is really helpful in helping with this. So is mindfulness meditation - practice bringing yourself back into the present moment, away from all the “if only’s” and “what if’s”, to things like your breath, or what you’re noticing through what you can hear or see, touch, taste, or smell. And so is priming yourself beforehand. Remind yourself of how you will feel, that you will have to consciously orient to certain core values that are important. That you are likely to feel under threat. That it will be important to come up with actions in advance that you commit to undertaking, which are in line with your core values, not matter how you feel in the moment.
Alongside these points, and I know this is hard - but it is possible! - there will be plenty of times when you do feel under threat and all the preparation in the world won’t change this experience. It’s really important that you hear me now: You cannot control this. You will feel this way. Your surviving values will be activated. This is normal and natural, and is to be expected. During those times, see if you can notice that these surviving values are in play. Name them. Thank your mind for trying to keep you safe by activating these values - after all that’s what it’s doing! Allow those values to be there, there’s no harm in them, but guide your attention back to the core values you have previously thought would be important to act in line with in this situation. This is why simple, short, preparation is key. Then you know where you’re guiding your attention. And when it doesn’t work out and your actions are in line with your surviving values rather than your thriving values, don’t beat yourself up - learn from this for next time.
People aren’t like apples at all. They don’t have a ‘core’ that reflects who they really are. We’re more like an infinitely layered onion. And as such, it’s impossible to understand all the layers, or identify any one layer as indicative of who we really are. The downside is we can never have the level of certainty about who we really are that many of us would like to have. The upside is that over time, we can begin to ‘notice’ our thoughts and feelings, ask ourself (amongst other things!) “am I in a thriving state, or a surviving state just now?”, and gently guide your attention to parts of your experience and parts of yourself (like your core values!) that help you grow in the direction of the life you know is there for you. In turn, this can elevate your level of understanding and self compassion for all of your thoughts, no matter which values sit behind them.
Greta Bradman, 2021
Comentarios