The importance of finding moments for 'incidental validation'

There have been some major shifts in how we work and how we live over the last 18 months. Rewind two years, and can you imagine business as usual involving dressing from the waist up, pulling up a pew at the kitchen table, zooming into conversations with your colleagues and that's it? Week after week?

I want to share with you something that I've noticed from psychology practice; I hope it's something we can all learn from. The power of and our need for incidental validation. The sort of validation we get incidentally; when we share a conundrum with a co-worker in the staff kitchen or the bathroom sink; or when we see a colleague down the hall after they've presented and we have a one-minute debrief, pulling something out that we thought was golden about what they did or said. We see their face relax. You know what it's like when you're "on" in a meeting - things can fly by and in fact those moments when we're most in flow are those we're likely to forget. What I've noticed is that as the pandemic has dragged on, not getting this sort of validation is starting to take its toll. Sure, on motivation at work and feeling connected to workplace, which is important at the org level, but for me in clinical practice what it means is people are starting to ask "who am I?" and "can I really do this?". The formal feedback might be fine, there might be a feeling of just missing something without knowing what it is. I've even had some clients describe it as a feeling of grief, which they find hard to pin down it's just sort of there. When we drill down into it, oftentimes its a case that the absence of these teeny tiny moments, which they'd not even thought about or noticed at the time, was leaving them feeling somewhat empty. In small but cumulatively important ways. The good news is, in identifying this, understanding that you're not alone in needing this form of validation, and then seeking it out intentionally, it is something we can do something about.

First: identify what you need from incidental validation. Second: share the notion with your co-workers, have them think about what they need. Third: time to get intentional (yes, it can be 'incidental' in origin and intentional) and start building in very short amounts of time to get incidental validation on tiny things from a range of colleagues. I suggest groups of three because there's something powerful about consensus and feeling part of a tribe for a moment. But whether it's three, or two for more private moments, or more - whatever it is, this is a moment to unapologetically focus on the small things around which validation can cumulatively make such an impact on your mental health and wellbeing, your sense of self, and your sense of connection and belonging at work.

We tend to orient to and focus in on the negative of our own performance. Further, structured feedback tends to focus on the 'constructive'; the purpose-driven at an organisational level where we can learn from what we've done in order to do better next time. That is, it tends to be negatively slanted, and what's more there tends to be a lag between the performance (in a meeting, after submitting a brief, whatever it might be) and the formal feedback with, say, a manager.

Incidental validation, on the other hand, is immediate. It might involve a conversation with a colleague where they've witnessed your work and have positive thoughts or consoling thoughts, or it might be with a colleague where you bump into them and they look at you and say "what's up?" and you share a concern. And vice versa of course - you can offer these moments to your colleagues too. Say they've given a presentation. "I have no idea if that was ok" they might say immediately afterwards with a trusted colleague. "I came across as though I was really unsure of myself and I think it impacted on how the material landed". You might counter "It's so hard to know how these things land isn't it! I wasn't in the room but I've seen you present, you're really strong in how you say what you have to say, and that style you have where occasionally you hesitate? I've seen how it gets people to lean in and really listen. You really connect with folks. I guess you'll see how it lands when you get the feedback but I'm sure it went over great." These moments of incidental validation do more than console and bolster around a specific moment and topic. They help broaden the perspective on your sense of self. They help dampen the impact of your negative inner voice; it is still there (that's natural and normal and the majority of people have one), but we can be more accepting of its presence. We are able to look beyond it, and reconnect with a baseline sense of who we are.

That is, incidental validation helps buoy our sense of self, our sense of capability and worth. Further, when it comes to our work, it is best when it comes from co-workers and managers over and above those in our household. Their understanding of our world of work lends their validation credibility. They're not just saying it because they love us (or if they are, we listen more anyway!).

Can I share something that is adjunctive to this with you? Interesting research from the negotiation space shows that even when we know someone is being disingenuous with offering us praise, we still enjoy a hit of the feel-good neurochemical dopamine and we are still likely to secrete oxytocin (the 'love' or 'bonding' hormone).

I shared the above because I have a suggestion about incidental validation; we can schedule it. It can become planned. Where it remains incidental is in where we go looking for where we were getting it pre-covid. What was occurring in these interactions? What do we need?

I suggest you privately create your own blueprint of what you need from incidental validation, where it was coming from before. Then with your colleagues, identify those you are comfortable receiving and giving validation from and to. Set up a rotating validation buddy system where each day once or twice a day depending on need, you have no more than ten minutes where you get together in groups ideally of three (so there can be consensus in validation) and share a small moment that calls for incidental validation. Validation might not be about a work task; it might be about how you look, or about the weather and getting agreement on that, or about the purpose of running and how you want to do more of it but are struggling with mojo.

Look for ways of validating those people around you, to support their sense of self. To give them a sense of "I'm OK"; that they're seen, heard, appreciated, understood and similar to others in some way. This is a vital part of connecting, cultivating belonging, and holding onto motivation in what we do.